Happy sounds

Watching Monker play with our baby makes me feel like my heart is going to explode. I love hearing my baby giggle uncontrollably and I love seeing how much Monker loves his little boy.

Monker is a teacher. He's always trying to teach our baby something new in everything he does. Whether it's basketball, soccer, wrestling, drawing, reading, or running, it's all about the education. It's such a sweet and thoughtful display of love that it makes me want to cry. I also feel incredibly proud that Monker has such an intelligent way of playing with our son. I had no idea that he would be such a great father when I married him. Lucky me! And lucky babies!

Lots of bad juju in the air

I recently found out that my cousin's wife has cancer. She also has a 3 month old baby plus 2 other children. The prognosis is positive, but cancer is awful, now matter how you slice it.

My friend's husband committed suicide. He had a nervous breakdown a year ago and has been severely depressed ever since. She has been left with 3 children under 3 years old, no house and no job.

My mother's cousin committed suicide as well. He jumped off a bridge and didn't know how to swim.

My other friend's 93 year old mother fell and is going through a funk. He has to take care of her and it has gotten him down. Of the bad juju, this one is probably the least dire, but affects me nonetheless. I see him daily and his sadness makes me sad.

I don't know why things like this happen. I feel like it should be some sort of wake-up call for me. But I have to confess that I feel a little blue lately. I am having a hard time being positive. I am anxious about bringing my new son into the world. I worry about my ability to be a good mother to both my sons. Although I hope to have a little girl someday, for today, I am glad that I do not have to bear this responsibility just yet. I would really like to be more grateful and appreciative of all my blessings. Sometimes I am, but other times I just feel like I am going to lose my mind. Maybe if I was more forgiving of myself, that would enable me to feel better and be happier. I hate these terrible circular arguments. I will try to love myself more - starting now.

Putting the baby to bed

Putting the baby to bed in one of the greatest joys in my life. Lately he's been doing this smoochy thing with me where he lip kisses me for a long time. I love it. He is the sweetest baby there ever was. I love it how he looks into my eyes and touches my face. I wonder what he is thinking. I treasure these moments and hope he still loves me when he is older and crustier. More on this later . . .

My husband put the baby to bed tonight. He always says he will come back but he rarely does. He usually just falls asleep. This makes me feel lonely. It also makes me wish that I had put the baby to bed myself. I listen for movements and footsteps upstairs and wait for my love to rejoin me. Sometimes I get excited because I hear something. Only to find out that it's my baby and not my hubby. Then I have to put the baby to bed myself and I'm really not ready. Teeth not brushed, pjs not on. Just not mentally ready.

What's this? I hear footsteps. I see my monkey. The big one. I don't have to be lonely tonight :)

Inspired by a stranger

I'm always looking for an interesting blog to read but can never seem to find one. I recently checked in on the blog of a former swimming team mate of mine and have really been enjoying it. Interesting blogs are really hard to come by. I was first attracted to my husband through reading his blog. Interestingly, in both of these cases, I had met the blogger, didn't really know them, but then became fascinated with them through reading their blogs. I don't think this blog will ever be of any interest to anyone and I don't plan on telling anyone about it. It's meant to be therapeutic for me. Is it working already? Sure. . . . Positive thinking, you know?