Thursday, August 18, 2011

Lots of bad juju in the air

I recently found out that my cousin's wife has cancer. She also has a 3 month old baby plus 2 other children. The prognosis is positive, but cancer is awful, now matter how you slice it.

My friend's husband committed suicide. He had a nervous breakdown a year ago and has been severely depressed ever since. She has been left with 3 children under 3 years old, no house and no job.

My mother's cousin committed suicide as well. He jumped off a bridge and didn't know how to swim.

My other friend's 93 year old mother fell and is going through a funk. He has to take care of her and it has gotten him down. Of the bad juju, this one is probably the least dire, but affects me nonetheless. I see him daily and his sadness makes me sad.

I don't know why things like this happen. I feel like it should be some sort of wake-up call for me. But I have to confess that I feel a little blue lately. I am having a hard time being positive. I am anxious about bringing my new son into the world. I worry about my ability to be a good mother to both my sons. Although I hope to have a little girl someday, for today, I am glad that I do not have to bear this responsibility just yet. I would really like to be more grateful and appreciative of all my blessings. Sometimes I am, but other times I just feel like I am going to lose my mind. Maybe if I was more forgiving of myself, that would enable me to feel better and be happier. I hate these terrible circular arguments. I will try to love myself more - starting now.

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